Christmas is meant to be the most wonderful time of the year, but sadly we know (as evidenced by the increase of police callouts) - it is a time of the year when incidents of domestic abuse tend to increase. Whilst there is never an excuse, it is thought that the stress of making Christmas 'perfect', coupled with family get togethers and flowing alcohol, likely contribute to this rise.
Consequently, though victims may hide it well from the people around them, for anyone experiencing domestic abuse, Christmas is far from wonderful, and more likely to be a frightening and isolating time.
In December 2023 the Office for National Statistics released new data on domestic abuse which showed that 3.2% of respondents aged 60-74 and 1.4% of those aged 75+ reported that they had experienced domestic abuse between April 2022 and March 2023.
This is equivalent to an estimated 375,000 older victims of domestic abuse in England and Wales - 74,000 of whom were aged 75 or older (which is an age group that weren't asked about domestic abuse until 2020 when the Office for National Statistics lifted their upper age limit on data collection).
And frighteningly, as we know that many older people of domestic abuse don’t recognise themselves as victims, these figures will not show the full picture and are potentially underestimated.
It is important to mention here - before you read any further, that whilst researching this article I spoke with several older people who have experienced domestic abuse and, because research suggests that many people do not like to be referred to as 'victims' of domestic abuse, I asked them about terminology. However, the people that I consulted were unanimous in that they had fallen victim to people who had committed crimes against them, and as such they were not upset by being referred to as a victim.
For this reason, though you may see many other articles preferring to reference 'survivors' of domestic abuse (particularly if the article is referring to a person who has already escaped the abuse), this article will use the terminology 'victim'.
The Victims of Domestic Abuse
Domestic abuse does not discriminate. Anyone can be affected and there is no stereotype. So how do we know if our older relative, neighbour, friend is living with abuse?
Data on domestic homicides tells us that older women are most at risk from their partners or former partners, while older men are most at risk from their adult family members, such as children or grandchildren. But regardless of who the perpetrator is, as it is for everyone, the abuse that older people may be subjected to can be physical, sexual, emotional, financial, or controlling and coercive.
Sadly, because many older people have a health condition or disability, it is also potentially possible that they could be subjected to carer's abuse. That is, be abused by a family member who is responsible for their care. For example, a familial carer may have access to the individual's money and financially abuse the person they are caring for. Or a familial carer may withhold essentials such as medication or food - there are cases of identified domestic abuse within older couples where the carer partner has withheld fluids to reduce an incontinent victim's urination.
Being reliant upon the same person who is abusing you, for care and support, will make it especially hard for a victim to disclose abuse. Particularly if the victim also lives with limited mobility, reduced cognitive abilities or communication difficulties born from their deteriorating health. But where a victim is fit, healthy and able-bodied, some people (potentially those who haven't ever experienced domestic abuse) struggle to understand why it is so difficult to end a relationship with an abuser or disclose their behaviour. So I posed the question directly to my anonymous team of victims who, when I told them of this article, had agreed to speak with me. It is clear from their answers, that all too often, victims blame themselves.
One male victim (lets call him George), aged 83, told of how his abuser constantly told him that it was his fault - he explained how his son would blame losing his temper on his father's cognitive decline before counteracting the statement by saying I love you so much dad but you're too demanding. You don't do anything for yourself anymore. Eventually George started to feel sorry for his son and hate himself for the burden he had become.
Embarrassment is another silencer. Pauline (not her real name) aged 75 had been physically assaulted by her husband for over 30 years when she left him and disclosed what her life had really been. I chose to marry my husband she said, and I stayed with him all those years. I kept a nice home. I was a 'traditional' wife; cooking, cleaning, raising the children. I was ashamed to tell people how he treated me behind closed doors. I think I thought people might think I must have been an awful wife for him to do what he did to me. She also explained how generationally it wasn't socially acceptable to talk about any problems in relationships. We all just 'got on' with things she said. I asked Pauline if she accepted the abuse as being the 'norm'. No, she replied. I knew it wasn't normal but it was how it had always been for me - so I just accepted my fate.
Barbara (again not her real name) told me that she didn't leave her abuser because she doubted she could ever manage on her own. I know this might sound odd to you she confided but I had no friends. My husband had made sure of that. He was rude to anyone who ever came to the house, so no one came - not even my mother when she was alive. And I couldn't go out. I had no money of my own and even if I had, going out would just cause such a hullaballoo that it wasn't worth it. But I couldn't leave; for starters, I had nowhere to go and no money to take. So, regrettably, I didn't tell anyone about my abuse until after my husband passed away. I wish I had, I have a lovely life now; I have my own home, friends and even got a dog. I couldn't risk having a pet when he was alive for fear that he would hurt it to hurt me - I learned that lesson the hard way.
Interestingly out of all the people who responded to my request to chat with older victims of domestic abuse, only one male victim of abuse came forward (that being George). Despite statistics showing that for every three victims of partner abuse, two will be female, and one will be male, no male victim of abuse from a partner came forward. This response to my request opens so many questions; Do male victims still find it hard to tell anyone they are a victim of domestic abuse from a partner? Do older male victims recognise the abuse? Is society still socially shaming such people?
What Signs of Abuse Should We Be Looking For?
According to Hourglass research, 85% of people in the United Kingdom do believe that abuse of older people is a problem today, but less than 4 in 10 people feel confident they could spot the signs of abuse and 60% weren’t sure they would know what to do even if they did spot the signs.
This is understandable as helping someone who is the victim of domestic abuse is a complicated matter. But by learning some of the warning signs, we can feel more confident to offer our support.
Some of the signs of domestic abuse, such as physical marks, may be easy to identify – though in older people we may more readily accept an explanation such as a fall or clumsy behaviour, and we need to be prudent. Other signs of domestic abuse are more subtle. For example people who are being abused may seem nervous when they are away from the abuser, or they may seem overly anxious to please them. They might talk about their abuser being particularly 'grumpy' or 'bad-tempered' when, for instance, their tea isn’t ready, or things don’t go their way. Signs to watch out for include an individual asking permission to go somewhere or to do something. Or an individual who has no money available to them or has to account for every penny they spend.
Listening to older people, watching for warning signs, and offering support is essential. If we suspect abuse, we must ensure that rather than waiting for that person to tell, we create ‘safe spaces’ away from their abuser, in which they may begin to feel comfortable enough to disclose.
What Can We Do?
We can begin by raising awareness within our communities that domestic abuse is happening to our older people. We can start by finding the time to get to know our elderly neighbours, talking to our older relatives, and showing that we are interested in their lives. We can call out perpetrators, support victims and not turn a blind eye.
However we must all understand that whilst we can offer a safe space and support a victim of abuse by listening to them, reporting the abuse is ultimately the victim's choice. After all, research shows that the risk to a victim of domestic abuse is highest when they leave the relationship - this is their risk and their decision to make.
If you are concerned about an older person being abused you could encourage them to get in touch with their local authority's adult safeguarding team - or you could offer to do it for them. To do this, you need to find the contact details of your local council.
Or if you're unsure of who to contact and/or whether it's the right thing to do, you can call the Age UK Advice Line on 0800 678 1602
Though of course, if you think someone is in immediate danger, always call the police on 999.
Read more Hell of a Midlife articles.
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