Do you ever feel like you want to be alone? Not because you don't enjoy spending time around your family and friends, just because you want to be on your own for a while.
On a recent holiday, I couldn't help but notice how many people travel alone. And whilst I absolutely love travelling with my husband, and travelling with friends, I couldn't help but feel a teeny weeny bit jealous of the solo traveller. Imagine not having to consult anyone else. Compromise? What compromise? Simply wake up when you want, eat what you want, and do whatever you want, when you want.
With these thoughts fantasising around my head, it was with horror that I watched a middle-aged gentleman being told, quite firmly by a well-meaning American couple that he simply must join them for dinner... for he couldn't possibly eat alone.
They had clearly met earlier in the day and were acquainted with one another but I could feel the gentleman's dilemma across the restaurant and I'm quite sure I could hear the debate being mooted in his head - Would they be offended if I said no thankyou? Would they even believe that I enjoy eating alone? How do I get out of this one?
Why Is It Important To Be Alone?
I've learned to love my time alone. I remember the first time I took myself off to the theatre and dinner solo. I was nervous to begin with. What if people looked at me and thought me to be sad, or unpopular? What if they thought there was something so inherently wrong with me that I couldn't make any friends? But as the evening wore on and I found myself enjoying the people-watching, and chatting small-talk amiably with restaurant staff and fellow theatre goers, I forgot that I was out without friend or husband.
What had hours earlier felt a little overwhelming now felt liberating. I'd been able to choose the show without any consideration for whether my companion would enjoy it, I'd chosen where to eat based on my likes and dislikes alone, and most importantly I'd spent the evening listening to my own conversation - in my head of course.
Being alone without the distractions of another's company had helped me to clear my mind. It was as if the solitude allowed me to think more clearly. Even before the main course had arrived, I had focussed on an issue that had been niggling me for a while and produced a plan.
Just by being alone, with no interruption to my thoughts from much loved incoming chatter, I began to gain a better understanding of what I wanted to do, and who I wanted to be. I made some lifestyle choices that I'd been putting off for ages. Decisions that were based on my own opinion and beliefs, without any well-meant external influence.
I have had many more solo evenings since that first time, and I intend to continue. Why wouldn't I when activities alone allow me to eat Tapas without fear of someone else's saliva covered fork reaching across the table to steal a prawn. When I can choose the film without fear of being the only one to enjoy it. And when I can sit in front of an open fire in a Country Hotel listening to The Archers through my earbuds with no fear of being judged.
But more important than any of that is the opportunity being alone gives me to pause for a while. And when I reboot, in the presence of friends and family, I feel like I have more to offer as a result.
Being Alone Is Not The Same As Being Lonely
Though I have yet to experience travel abroad solo, I have experienced many breaks away on my own within the United Kingdom - and it hasn't always been paradisical. There's been disturbing noises late at night, the occasional male interest that has been too persistent for comfort, and motoring mishaps - to name a few. As a result, I've occasionally felt scared, intimidated, apprehensive, and ultimately; alone. But surprisingly, what I have never felt, is lonely.
Maybe that could be attributed to modern technology and the knowledge it brings that a familiar face is rarely far away. Or maybe it's because the times when I have felt lonely, I have always been in the presence of other people and therefore, I don't associate loneliness with being alone. In fact, it is when I start to feel lonely that I know it's time to spend some time alone with myself.
In my experience, I start to feel lonely when I'm drained, exhausted and distracted by life. When these feeling start to flourish and develop inside of me, I begin to focus on the differences between myself and loved ones, I build walls of disconnection, grow cynical and lose self confidence and belief. Yes, I have friends and family that I am able to confide in. People from whom I can receive support and comfort. But without solitude I can rarely find the peace to restore myself in order to feel connected again.
Being Alone Gives You The Confidence To Think For Yourself.
I realise now that before I started to spend time doing the things that I love alone, I wasn't sure of my competence and ability to make the most important decisions. I would frequently turn to family and friends seeking widespread approval and it was only when, and if, my loved ones collectively nodded in agreement, that I considered I'd made the right decision.
Only when I started to look back on my solo adventures and recognise that every decision and encounter had been project managed by myself - and had worked well, did I start to realise that the decisions I made on my own were at least as good, if not better than the ones that I spent days debating with friends and family.
During the time I spent alone, I was obligated to listen to my own internal deliberations, and seek input and guidance only from my own mind. And I was forced to learn more about who I was.
I only afforded myself the same courtesy that I had extended to others, but in doing so - and in learning that I actually had some good ideas and some sound decision-making skills, I rewarded myself with belief and trust. And why shouldn't I? After all, surely I am the right person, with the relevant expertise, to make the best choices for me.
There Should Be No Social Stigma Attached To Being Alone.
Occasionally when I've been solo (mostly in restaurants I have to say), I have felt, rather than seen the presence of another in the room beside me. That other being the elephant of social stigma. Such a creature shouldn't exist, but society feeds it with whopping plates of negativity, topped with implications of isolation, all served with a side of defectiveness.
As proven by the likes of the well-meaning American couple who insisted that the gentleman travelling solo should join them for dinner, society perceives that a person's choice to spend leisure time alone is forced, not volitional. Furthermore, their insistence that he couldn't possibly eat alone could have suggested that had he declined to join them, preferring to be alone, there must have been something wrong with him.
There’s a strange self contradiction in the way people think about solo activities. When Thuy-vy T. Nguyen, a social psychologist at the University of Durham, asked research participants to think about their time spent in solitude, they recalled it to be positive. But when people were asked about hearing of a friend’s plans to do something fun alone, there was often an implication that being by yourself was the last resort.
I'm not sure what can be done about this, but as more people adopt solo activity, let's hope the elephant in the room slowly retreats in search of his own solitude.
I've heard it said that strong relationships are key to a happy life. But I really believe that the strongest acquaintance we should have, should be with our self. How else but by giving ourselves the gift of our own time, can we develop into the awesome, well-rounded, and self-confident person that we all deserve to be?
Are you happy to be alone? Please share your experiences in the comments.
Read more Hell of a Midlife articles.
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