There’s an old proverb that says:
You can’t choose your family. You take what the fates hand you. And like them or not, love them or not, understand them or not, you cope.
Luckily the proverb is not true of our friends, and no matter what things are out of our control in life, we are always free to choose who our friends are.
#Friendships are important, in fact they are more than that - scientists have proven that friendship can extend life expectancy and lower our chances of heart disease. In other words, we need friends to help us to survive.
But whilst I’m not doubting the scientists' findings, the real benefit of friendship has got to be the effects of sharing time with people who help you believe in yourself, make you laugh, help you to work through your problems and provide comfort through grief. And knowing that you do the same for them.
According to Aristotle we have three types of #friends in life. Friends for a reason, friends for a season and friends for life.
Friends for a reason usually benefit from each other. Aristotle grades this friendship as being the evil and selfish one, but I don’t’ think it is. I perceive my neighbour to be my friend. We don’t have much else in common other than living on the same street, but we pass the time of day, put each other's bins out, and watch out for one another – and that’s okay.
Friends for a season are often short-lived. These friendships are formed through related likes or activities. I have been friends with work colleagues. Together we have made the workdays more interesting, backed each other up in meetings and supported one another up the career ladder. We were more than just colleagues or acquaintances – we socialised outside of working hours, met each other's families and had fun. Our friendship was important, but when one of us moved on, it faded.
Friendships for life take time. They are true, invaluable and unique.
Many of our solid friendships develop when we are young. Those with whom we survived school, nursed heartbreak and deliberated parental infuriation, know us so well. There are a special few with who, no matter where in the world you are, no matter how your lives differ - you share an acquired bond resilient to time.
Old friends bathe us in nostalgia. When I meet with my old school friend, I am greeted by who I used to be. Memories of my younger self flash through my mind alternatively bringing warmth and happiness, or relief that I have moved on.
I have recently been introduced to the term ‘Friendfluence’. It means the effect that friends have on our lives. I think my old school friend’s #friendfluence shaped my lifelong attitude. I believe I owe to her my stubborn and annoying, but extremely beneficial, refusal to give up.
But all my friends bring something special into my life – even those with whom I no longer associate.
Ex-friends, in my opinion, are the fourth type of friends we have in life. I’d like to chat with Aristotle about this – but for obvious reasons – cannot.
Ending a relationship with a friend is hard, but sometimes you have to let them go. I made the difficult decision to end what I thought was a ‘friendship for life’ just less than a decade ago. We had been friends for over twenty years but somehow, somewhere, we had become averse to each other’s changes, and we allowed criticism to smother support.
I found that as my friend’s belief in me lessened, so did my own. And the less secure I felt in myself, the more uncertain I was in my choices. Absurdly, I needed her validation of my life decision-making (even when it wasn’t great) to have the confidence to rectify mistakes.
I wonder, looking back if I had become too emotionally dependent on her for support. My family had moved abroad, and I think I may have unconsciously leaned on her too hard and unbalanced our friendship. But whatever the reasons, our relationship became too damaged to continue.
We lost our sense of belonging in one another’s company. Instead of helping each other through stressful situations, we zapped one another’s energy. Somehow, we outgrew our connection, and it was lost.
Though it hurt, ending our friendship felt natural.
Having said that, there are few days when she doesn’t cross my mind. I’ll glimpse an old photo, see a mutual friend, hear a crap joke we found funny, and remember who we were. Memories invade my mind at the most unexpected times, like images from a black and white film projector.
I don’t think we could ever rekindle our friendship and I don’t know if I would dare try. But I wouldn’t change anything – I wouldn’t be who I am without her ‘friendfluence’. I appreciate everything we did together and wish her nothing but the best.
The friendship may no longer have a future, but it remains an integral part of who I am. It sits like a much-loved read book, on a shelf in my heart. There may be no unread chapters to look forward to, but I don't love it any less than the others.
I am a very lucky girl to have experienced, and to continue to experience so many amazing, sincere friendships and, like I said, each and every single one has brought something special into my life and enhanced me. I hope I have done the same for them.
I believe good friendships like mine; old and new, past and present, are precious, and I am reminded of another old proverb:
True friends are like diamonds.
